“When the word ‘but’ creeps into an apology, it stinks.”
When it comes to parenting, there are many ways to get our tiny humans to become happy, healthy, functioning adults. Some of these approaches are tried-and-true, while others are daringly unconventional. As parents, we often find ourselves tip-toeing the line between tradition and innovation, trying to find what works best for our unique family dynamics.
I don’t necessarily see myself as a rule-breaker, but I’ve realised that controversy is usually a catalyst for growth. If any of these controversial parenting techniques or the reasoning behind them offend you, I totally understand. They are called controversial for a reason. The objective of unconventional parenting isn’t to go against the grain just for the sake of pissing people off, but rather to think critically about a few things that are oftentimes just taken at face value.
This could be out of habit or simply because we didn’t know any better. Sometimes, the way we raise our kids is directly based on the one example we’ve been subjected to: How we were raised. But times are so different now and the dangers that existed 30 years ago have morphed into something completely different, as should some of our parenting approaches.
1. My kids don’t need to say sorry
Yes, you read that right. I never tell my kids to say sorry to other kids or grown-ups, even when they are in the wrong. This is just one of the controversial parenting approaches I’ve adopted because I believe that a rehearsed apology doesn’t teach our kids anything. In fact, a case can be made that it actually takes away the opportunity to learn empathy all on their own.
When they’ve done something that garners an apology, I’ll try and prompt an apology out of them by saying “How do you think that made so-and-so feel?” or “What do you think will make so-and-so feel better?”.
Forcing our kids to say sorry through gritted teeth when they aren’t feeling sorry at that moment creates the narrative that apologising remedies the situation when no one is addressing the core issue.
I can remember having to hug it out with my sister when all I felt like doing was scratching her eyes out. I never left that encounter feeling any better, and neither did she. Society dictates that we teach our kids a lesson by forcing them to apologise.
My unpopular opinion is that if apologising taught our kids anything, there wouldn’t be so many repeat offenders in prisons around the world.
2. I normalise apologising to my kids
I’ll just come out and say it. I get mad at my kids (cue the gasp!).
We love our kids, but let’s be honest; sometimes we like them a little less than other times.
As a follow-up to the first controversial parenting technique I’ve adopted, as far as possible, I try to normalise apologising to my kids. I’m not going to pretend that I never get mad or impatient with my kids, because I do. I’ve often said things that I later regret or overreacted about something minor.
When this happens, I don’t try to talk my way out of it by backpedalling. I also don’t ignore the situation and move on with the mentality that they’ll ‘just forget about it in a few minutes because they are just kids’. When things have calmed down, I circle back to the situation at hand, look them in the eye and apologise. I make sure to never use the word “but” when I say sorry to adults or my kids. When the word ‘but’ creeps into an apology, it stinks.
This ties in nicely with the first controversial parenting approach I’ve adopted and models empathy in a real-life situation. The more my kids see me showing actual remorse and empathy, the more likely they are to understand it themselves.
When I apologise to my kids, I do just that. A simple apology that emphasises how they feel and not how I felt at that moment. “I’m sorry I shouted at you. I know that wasn’t nice, and I will try my best not to do it again”.
3. We don’t keep secrets
In our house, secrets have a bad connotation to them and secrets with adults (yes, any adult) are a no-no. Why? I’m glad you asked.
Teaching children not to keep secrets is one of the best ways to prevent Child Sexual Abuse (CSA). Those who prey on kids can often accomplish this by depending on children to keep whatever is happening a secret.
Since my son could walk and talk, I’ve explained the difference between a secret and a surprise. Secrets are hidden information that no one else knows, while a surprise is something that many people know about and that will delight someone else.
I also know that when the time comes, my kids will have secrets with their friends. I’m speaking about the pinky promises they’ll keep with their best friend, or promising never to tell anyone who their friends have a crush on. These are normal teenage things that are supposed to build relationships with their peers or equals. But for the life of me, I cannot think of one scenario where it would be appropriate for my child to have a secret with another adult.
My son knows that any time an adult asks him to keep a secret, the rules of secret-keeping don’t count and that when he tells me this secret, he’ll never be in trouble.
4. My kids don’t have to give you a hug
On the note of CSA prevention, this is one of the most important things I’ll ever teach my kids and if any of these controversial parenting approaches make you do a double-take, I hope it’s this one.
Please don’t force your kids to kiss and hug family members or yourself. We are all born with an innate 6th sense or a gut feeling that proves to be right, more often than not. Without cultural and societal norms embedded into them, kids are very aware of their instincts, although they cannot always communicate them like we can. This is why you often hear people say that a child is a very good judge of character.
When you encourage them to kiss Granny when they are not comfortable with that, you are essentially telling them that their body and what they do with it isn’t theirs. Unfortunately, this is something that can very quickly escalate to an abuser who forces them to ignore the instincts that are demanding that they run away from danger, with detrimental effects.
The rule in our family is that our kids should always say hello (because that’s just human decency), but that they are in complete control of how they do so. This encourages independence in our kids and allows them to practise authority over their own body. Whether they choose to give a high 5, shake hands or give a cuddle is completely up to them. Take the time to explain this to your close family and friends. I’d much rather offend an adult than risk my kids being a victim of something far worse.
5. They don’t have to eat everything on their plate
Remember when you had to eat everything off your plate before you were allowed to have dessert? Well, I don’t do that.
As far as possible, I try not to label foods as good and bad or yucky and yummy. My goal with this is to help my kids have a better relationship with food by not forcing them to eat until they are full, but allowing them to eat until they’re satiated, and teaching them to listen to their bodies instead of working towards a goal of ‘clearing their plate’.
Admittedly, this is one of those controversial parenting techniques that I struggle to do constantly. And if you’ve been a parent for longer than a day, you know that many times our kids take one bite and then refuse to eat more, only to ask for a snack 15 minutes later. When I feel that my kids haven’t eaten enough to sustain them until the next meal, I won’t make a fuss. I simply take their plate and keep it in the fridge. When the 15-minute mark comes along, and they are dying of hunger, I reheat their food and we try again.
I love adding dessert to their plate with the rest of their meal. Do they eat it first? Every time. However, they’ve figured out that one sweet treat isn’t enough to satisfy their hunger, so I’ve never had trouble getting them to finish the rest of their meal. To them, dessert is simply another part of the meal, not a reward for finishing it.
With all that being said, everything (and I do mean everything!) with kids is temporary. In a few months, I might have changed my mind about some of these, or maybe even added a few more to the list. Maybe these approaches seem tame to you, and if that’s the case, you can let me know in the comments below or contact me via email. What better way to challenge the norm than doing it together?
Quality content
Agreed