“By doing everything for our kids, we are only teaching them that we can do it better than they can”
Independence is one of the most valuable gifts you can give your kids, barring the ever-exceptional Lego Spiderman.
As a self-diagnosed control freak, I completely understand why it’s challenging to let your kids do things independently when you know, without a doubt, that it will either be done wrong or done in such a way that the house needs to be sanitised and sanctified afterwards. But there is a reason why teachers and childminders are so adamant about fostering preschool independence.
What are the benefits of giving children independence?
Promotes confidence and builds a sense of security
If we enforce the idea that our preschoolers are capable of completing tasks without us, the chances are they will. In the long run, it also strengthens their belief in their own opinions and ideas, making it easier for them to express these as they get older.
Children have very little control over their lives. When they are in control of certain tasks and can predict how and when certain things will take place, it creates a sense of safety and security. In my son’s class, for instance, learners can choose whether they want to colour, draw, build Lego, read books or play on the mat before the school day starts. By choosing something that they enjoy, it sets the mood for the day and creates a positive association with school and learning.
Develops problem-solving skills in children
Preschool problem-solving is a major benefit to encouraging independence in kids. Independent tasks give children the opportunity to identify problems, think about possible solutions for those problems and then carry out those solutions.
By assessing problems and solutions on their own, they are also practising critical thinking through assessment, analysis and judgement, all of which are essential formal school subjects like maths and science.
None of us makes smart decisions just because we’re special. We make smart decisions based on previous experience of making dumb ones. Independent preschoolers get to learn this same skill in the same way.
Increases frustration-tolerance and perseverance
I’m writing this as my own four-year-old is trying to build a crane with his Lego. Every time the crane gets to a certain height, it topples over and tiny Lego pieces are scattered everywhere. Although he is becoming increasingly frustrated (I can tell by the growling noises coming out of him) he is also not giving up. The goal is that this sense of try-try-again mentality carries him through difficult tasks later in life.
Teaches cause and effect
The same crane that keeps falling over, is doing so because it’s top-heavy. I can tell my preschooler that, but then I’d be missing out on all the fun grunting noises he’s making and depriving him of a valuable learning opportunity. By asking leading questions like, “What does a real crane look like?” or “Why do you think it keeps falling over”, I’m hoping that he’ll conclude that building a tall Lego crane without a solid base will make that crane fall over every time.
Promotes creativity in preschoolers
When left to their own devices, preschoolers can come up with creative ways to get things done. They have to. Whether that’s by using a stepping stool to reach something high up, using a cricket bat to get something from under the bed or creating a counterweight on a Lego crane to balance out the weight of its boom.
How to encourage independence in preschoolers
I am by no means an expert in child development, but my own four-year-old has demanded to be self-sufficient since he could speak. And so I’ve been forced to integrate methods to develop this skill in a way that naturally fits into our daily routine. Here are some tried and tested ways you can promote independence in your preschooler:
1. Let them dress themselves
One of the easiest and fastest ways to foster independence in kids is by allowing them to dress themselves. I’m not one of those my-kids-only-wear-neutrals people, but I do die a little bit inside when my son dresses in a Sonic The Hedgehog shirt, camo shorts, navy socks and black shoes.
To avoid a cacophony of colours and patterns, my son and I pick out his clothes for the week together. I’ve used vertical shoe storage to organise his outfits for each day of the week, but any child-friendly organisation will do. I’ve added the days of the week as an extra, but I suggest numbers or even different colours for toddlers.
2. Let them choose
I rebel when my freedom of choice is restricted. If someone tells me I can’t wear black, wait and see me flaunting the deepest shade of charcoal available! Kids are the same.
You can have your child choose between reasonable, realistic choices to avoid this absolute feeling of helplessness. Instead of saying, “You can’t watch TV”, you say, “It’s not TV time right now, but would you like to build a puzzle or do some bicycling instead?”. Replace “Time for bed” with “Do you want a piggyback ride to bed, or are we having a toothbrush race?”. Having them choose how to do the un-fun stuff gives them a sense of freedom and gets the job done in less time. It’s a win-win!
3. Encourage independent play
With my first child, I underestimated the long-term benefits of independent play. My second child seems to be more adept at playing on her own for longer stretches of time. This might be because I now know how great independent play is for toddlers, or simply because she’s the unfortunate second child who doesn’t get the same amount of undivided attention I was able to give my first.
Playing independently can come in many forms, but at its core, it’s simply making no sudden movements when your child is playing alone. Independent play works best when children have a safe, designated play place with age-appropriate toys. Toys that can be explored in more than one way (like stacking cups) work well for us.
Bonus tip: Avoid commenting on independent play! I know you want to say “Good job” or, in my case, “Don’t lick that”, but this might interrupt their thought process and defeat the whole purpose of letting them figure things out on their own.
4. Wait for them to ask for help
Waiting for your child to ask for help is something you can practise with toddlers from as young as 18 months. As parents, we tend to jump in and solve the struggle; it’s instinct. But my son’s teacher said something that resonated at a recent parent-teacher conference. She said that by doing everything for our kids, the only thing we are teaching them is that we can do it better than they can.
So when you see your little one struggling to open a snack packet, wait before jumping in and doing it for them. Some kids might surprise you and keep trying until the packet eventually disintegrates in their grubby little hands. Others may respond to that failure with immediate frustration or tantrums. But more often than not, you’ll be surprised to see what they can accomplish without interference.
When they cannot do something and still haven’t asked for help, you might offer to “show them”. Or open the snack packet halfway and let them complete the task on their own while saying something like, “Well done! We did it as a team.”
5. Chore duties
Having kids help with everyday chores does not mean you support child labour! Feeding the pets, putting their clothes in the laundry basket or watering the plants are all things the average four-year-old can do independently. It gives them a sense of importance, and they feel part of the family unit, especially if everyone in the house has their special assigned job.
Have your kids pick out their weekly chores and switch them up occasionally to keep it interesting. Tasks like this could include helping with dishes, packing school lunches, cleaning up their messes or helping to fix things around the house.
6. Teach them self-help skills
This one might look different for each family because we all prioritise different skills. Even shy four-year-olds should gently be nudged outside their comfort zones every once in a while.
Recently, we’ve been focussing on social confidence and interpersonal skills. To make this a fun exercise and not a scary one, we like to challenge each other with a Du Toit Dare. “I bet you won’t ask that lady for directions”; “Let’s see if you are brave enough to order your own milkshake”. Learning self-help skills is not only important for school but also vital for everyday life as an adult. I never want my kids to be too shy to ask a stranger for help. Those are the kids who grow up to become the adults who aimlessly wander the aisles at Checkers for hours, too shy or proud to ask the staff where the chicken stock is.
You know your little one best, so you know their limits, physical restrictions and emotional state. Consider this when trying to incorporate ways for them to be independent—no asking them to reach for the stars (or the top shelf!) if they can’t reach it yet. And please, don’t expect them to charm strangers like pint-sized diplomats when they’re in full-blown meltdown mode or practically sleepwalking. Choose your battleground, and then choose your timing.
Pretty soon, these co-dependent mongrels will be teaching us a thing or two about how the world works, but until then, toss confetti when they manage to put on their mismatched shoes by themselves and applaud when they concoct a sandwich that may or may not involve some creative ingredient choices.
