âIf someone says that theyâll âpop byâ at an undisclosed time, youâll immediately start doing a panic clean.â
After much deliberation and back-and-forth, Iâve bravely decided to tackle the milestone of turning 30 so that you don’t have to.
Like many others who were born as millennials, I too was under the impression that entering the third decade of life would make you an elder. I also assumed that adults didn’t cry, that they could eat ice cream whenever they wanted, that they never had to clean their room and that they could stay up all night. Boy, I have never been more wrong in my life.
From finally learning how to keep your plants alive to appearing more attractive (yes, really), this is my honest review of turning 30.
It’s not air-fried? Eww.
Forming the backbone of this trend is air fryer ownership. Itâs just one of those non-negotiable things that come along with turning 30. Once you have one, you immediately become an air fryer ambassador and superior to every other living being without one.
You walk into someone else’s kitchen and immediately scan the countertops for an air fryer: perish the thought that someone might not have one or want one. Youâll aggressively start convincing everyone around you that itâs the best thing youâve ever bought, that they should get one too, and that it turned your kitchen into a suburban Michelin Star restaurant.
Your plants will stay alive now that you’re 30
You should take a moment now to think of all the baby basils and mints youâve killed in the past. But things are different now. Whether itâs because you finally decided to start setting reminders for everything, including watering your plants or because youâve gone down Googleâs rabbit hole of âhow to make my Monstera stay aliveâ, your plants will finally make it past their first birthday.
You might start referring to them as your âplant babiesâ and the spark of unadulterated happiness you feel when a new bud or branch appears, is completely normal.
You have adult money now
You no longer feel guilty about spending your allowance all in one go, and you might even stop referring to your salary as an allowance entirely. There will come a moment when you feel an irrational desire to carelessly splurge your allowance, nay salary, on one single item. This is a completely normal reaction to turning 30 and having actual adult money.
Something will ache after turning 30
If you donât have at least one body part that you fondly refer to as your âbad knee/ankle/shoulder/earâ, you aren’t doing your 30s right. Youâll see a dramatic decrease in performance of at least one limb during this time. There will be absolutely no reason for this, and you won’t feel ashamed telling people that you pulled a muscle doing nothing.
Expect to wake up with an unexplained backache at least once a month, and donât be deterred by the new beatboxing sounds your knees make or the involuntary noise that slips out of your mouth when you sit down on your couch after a long day.
Youâll own more cleaning products
The word âspring-cleanâ will become part of your vocabulary and will no longer be restricted to the winter/spring seasons. As part of casual conversation, youâll let slip your favourite all-purpose cleaning solution, and this should preferably be something that youâve made yourself and should definitely include vinegar.
The collection of cleaning products you have will now be neatly arranged under your sink, right next to the plastic bag full of plastic bags that you are saving for no reason.
Guests are only allowed 2-3 business days after your weekly deep clean and if someone says that theyâll âpop byâ at an undisclosed time youâll immediately start doing a panic clean.Â
You will be more attractive at 30
You will give zero sh*ts what anyone thinks. Strangely enough, this will make you happier and more attractive. Yes really. Maybe itâs because youâve finally found your style, and you get to spend your adult allowance on what you really want, or because you appear more confident due to the lack of sh*ts given, but a recent survey found that those over thirty actually appear more attractive to those around them.
This same boost of confidence could be the reason you sign up for some sort of endurance activity that your 20-something self would have mocked This could range from a marathon, starting a DIY project (that will cost more money than just buying the damn thing new) or in my case, rebuilding my entire blog.
You will be happier
I can attest to this but should mention that the source of this new-found happiness will be very different from when you were 29 years and 11 months old. A rush of excitement will fill you at the thought of an early night, and this may or may not include dinner when the sun is still shining and a bedtime, no later than 9 pm.
You will also start photographing food youâve made yourself, and you should try to take these images from different angles to get the best lighting, as this further boosts serotonin. Your family and friends become more important to you, and you delight in making plans with them. When those plans get cancelled at the last minute however, you will also feel delighted and immediatey take off your jeans.
Let’s face it, adulthood is no picnic. And although weâre free to eat as much ice cream as we want and probably could stay up all night with the right amount of caffeine, it isn’t advisable. What is advisable, though, is having a good old cry now and again. Your homemade all-purpose cleaning solution might be good for everything else, but nothing cleanses the soul of a 30-something like a throrough cry.
Wear your aches and pains like badges of honour they are. Grow your impressive collection of cleaning supplies, embrace the liberating feeling of giving zero sh*ts and witness the surprising boost in attractiveness that goes hand-in-hand with turning 30.
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